Short, Sharp Shocks

It's difficult for me to type things at the moment. I just got back from the gym about 30 minutes ago, and my arms feel like Slinkies. My trainer gave me a fully body workout in about half an hour, which means I rapidly went from "Boy howdy, I'm all fired up for the incline presses!" enthusiasm to "Oh sweet Jesus, my nerves are being scalped". Right after the workout, I could barely stick a straw into my carton of Muscle Milk (sounds appetizing, right?). It was that bad.

I've lately found clothes made entirely of bamboo kind of interesting. From what I hear, they're really comfortable, and they give you a lot of hipster cred ("Your shirt's made of recycled cotton? Yeah, mines made of fucking bamboo. Now leave me be, I need to buy these Radiohead tickets before my chai latte gets cold"). The downside, of course, is that they're ridiculously expensive, and you could never wear one near a panda.

There's a button in my coat pocket. I don't really know where it's from, but I have a weird urge to try and buy something with it. Here's how I think it'd go down.
Cashier: Alright, the total's 10.66.
Me: Ok, let's seeee... 8, 9, 10 dollars. Ummm, I have 10. 50 and this button.
Cashier: What kind of button is it?
Me: I think it's for some kind of shirt.
Cashier: (Long pause) Ok, what the hell. Have a nice day.
Me: Yeah!! (I jump up in the air. Camera freezes. "Don't Stop Me Now" starts playing. Cue montage.)

It seems to me that, once they reach a certain level, athletes become a bit boring to watch because we always know they're going to win. I have an idea about this. Special, limited time only events where the athletes compete.... against animals. And I'm not talking about A-Rod versus a gibbon or anything like that. I'm talking animal's that'll give em a run for their money. Think about it: World-record holding sprinter Usain Bolt racing the 200 meter against an ostrich; Olympic gold winning long jumper Maurren Maggi leaping against a kangaroo; Mike Tyson coming out of retirement to box a gorilla (though which one's the real ape, right? yukyukyuk). Animals could also make relatively uneventful events enjoyable to watch. Think the men's 500 yard freestyle is a drag? Toss a live alligator in at the halfway mark. That'll speed things up. But, of course, the ultimate man vs. animal contest would involve only three things: Phelps. A dolphin. And the greatest 200 meter butterfly in history. You couldn't not sell tickets to that.

Is it just me, or is the fact that the St. Jude's Children's Hospital is named after the patron saint of lost causes funny in a sick kind of way?

There were funky Chinamen, from funky Chinatown